Relate Skillfully to Stress

One of the realities of being human is that we can't choose to escape life's stressors, as much as we might like to! What we can do is develop a more skillful relationship with stress. Mindfulness practices help us to build self-awareness, practice self-compassion, and return to equilibrium in the moment, and over time, a mindful way of being builds resilience. In this series, invite yourself to shift your perspective on stress and develop a toolbox of resources to cultivate ease and wellbeing.

Week 1 Practice Invitations

Intentions of this week’s practice:

  • Build Self-Awareness through daily check-ins (through meditation and reflection)

  • Practice In-The-Moment Tools: Letting Go Breath

  • Lean toward Resilience by creating space for your well-being

Daily Practice:

1) Incorporate a short daily meditation — morning or whenever it fits for you.

 

2) As needed, begin inserting 3-5 cycles of the slow “Letting-Go Breath,” using the recording below or guiding yourself.

 

3) Reflect using Tracking Moments of Stress at the end of day or beginning of the next day. Refer to Needs Inventory.

Week 1 Notes

Definitions

  • “Stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens in our body when we encounter a threat.” (Emily and Amelia Nagoski)

  • “The perception that the circumstances, what is being asked, are beyond our capabilities.” (Richard Lazarus)

  • Stressors: “the threat”. Different for everyone, anything that we interpret as “It’s too much, I am not safe, I don’t belong, I am not ok.” Doesn’t matter if it is “logical” – what matters is our assessment and the impact of that assessment.

The Stress Response

  • “A cascade of neurological and hormonal activity that initiates physiological changes to help you survive”(Emily and Amelia Nagoski)

  • Blood pushes into muscles, heart beats faster, blood pumps harder (blood pressure increases), breath quickens, muscles tense, attention is alert and vigilant, short-term here-and-now thinking, senses heightened, other organ systems deprioritized (digestion slows, immune system, growth, tissue repair)

  • Meanwhile, emotions and thoughts are reading the body signals and cycling more intensely. Brain is driven by the amygdala (alarm system, oldest, threat detector).

  • Every human being experiences stressors, every human being has a stress response. Why? To help you survive: Run, Fight, or Freeze (play dead). This is not bad, this is good, even though it is uncomfortable!

  • AND, the stressors/threats we face these days are not dealt with usually by running and fighting, literally. Running often means distracting, denying, resisting. Fighting often means defensiveness, verbal attacks. Freezing often means passivity, just agreeing.

Skillful Relationship with Stress

“To be “well” is not to live in perpetual safety and calm, but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, or excitement, back to safety and calm, and out again. Stress is not bad for you; being stuck is bad for you” (Emily and Amelia Nagoski)

If we can’t escape stressors and if the stress response is good, meant to keep us safe, what is the goal: Skillful Relationship. Know how to work with it in a way that is beneficial and doesn’t make things worse.

Self-Awareness: 

  • Know when I’m in it, read the signs, learn to feel as it is beginning. 

  • Know what is likely to cause stress for me. 

  • Key attitudes: curiosity, “scientific exploration,” begin to see stressful moments as opportunities for learning and practice.

Self-Compassion: 

  • Self-judgment does not help us, but makes things worse. It distracts us from the real issues that we can attend to, pulling us down a rabbit hole of “I am bad. I am not enough.” It makes us turn away in shame or disgust or discomfort, when what we need is to turn toward.

  • Self-compassion says: I see that you are hurting and I am here for you. How can I support you? Self-compassion is what motivates us to take action in service of meeting our needs and caring for ourselves.

  • We build self-compassion through practice – awareness of judgment, shifting into friendliness, as if I were my friend or loved one.

  • Key attitudes: I’m doing the best that I can with what I know and am able. Little by little.

In-The-Moment Tools

  • To “come back home,” to calm the nervous system and the stress response, to return to equilibrium

  • We will add more tools in each class. 

  • Key attitudes: Small moments and choices can stack up to make a big difference.

Long-Term Support, Preventative, Strengthening

  • Lean toward a lifestyle that builds well-being and resilience: human pace, releasing stress energy, community, meaning, noticing and embracing the good, stillness/space for you, needs met.

  • Learn to deal with the stressors: anticipate, “planful problem-solving”

  • Creative thinking about removing “optional” stressors

Week 2 Practice Invitations

Intentions of this week’s practice:

  • Build Self-Awareness through daily check-ins (through meditation and reflection)

  • Practice In-The-Moment Tools: Letting Go Breath, Grounding, Senses

  • Practice Self-Compassion through noting judgement and cultivating friendliness with yourself, meditation/somatic practice.

  • Lean toward Resilience by creating space for your well-being

Daily Practice:

1) Incorporate a short daily meditation

2) In moments of noticing stress, and/or in moments of downtime, practice tending to yourself with care.
Ask, “What do I need?” “What would be most kind to myself right now?” Listen inward, and then respond. Offer yourself what you need or make a commitment to do so. Try a grounding practice or self-compassion practice.

Grounding Practices:

Aware of Support: Feel your feet on the ground. If you’re sitting, feel your body meeting the chair. Just sense that you are right here, that there are layers of support underneath you—chair, floor, EARTH. Let your body rest into this support.

 
 
 
 

Self-Compassion Practices:

Self-Compassion Phrases: “Self as I am, things as they are.” “I am doing the best that I can.” “I am more than this moment.” (Create your own.)

Hand on Heart, Self-Havening, Guiding & Smoothing: Choose a comforting self-touch somatic practice

 
 

3) Reflect using Respond with Compassion at the end of day or beginning of the next day. Refer to Needs Inventory.

 
 

Week 2 Notes

Grounding

Grounded: present, here in this moment, here in your body, safe and stable (versus ruminating into the past, worrying into the future; versus in your head or “checked out;” versus in panic-mode)

Ways to help ground yourself:

  • Sense physical contact and support — seat in chair, feet on ground

  • Use the senses to bring you to here and now, the real world.

Self-Compassion

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."  —His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Judgment: Sometimes we treat ourselves much worse than we would treat someone else, and much worse than we would allow others to treat us. It’s as if we think “tough love” or “high expectations” will help us do better, will protect us from making mistakes and being vulnerable. However, this is the opposite of true! 

Even though it can be natural to experience that habit of self judgment, when we feel the effects of this critical, judging view, we can really sense how it isn't actually the best way to motivate ourselves to do better. It doesn’t give us more energy but rather it saps our energy, it actually makes it more difficult to to get moving or to do the things we need to do. When we’re in judgment, it certainly makes it more difficult to do really helpful and kind things for yourself like resting, like taking good care of yourself.

How does this relate to stress?

In a stressful situation, our inner resources are already taxed. Not responding with self-compassion, but instead reacting with judgment clouds the waters and adds to the pressure of an already pressurized situation.

  • It distracts us from the real issues that we can tend to, down a rabbit hole of “I am bad. I am not enough.”

  • It makes us turn away in shame or disgust or discomfort, when what we need is to turn toward.

Self-compassion, friendliness with self is about genuinely wanting the best for yourself, wanting an end to unnecessary suffering, willing to take action to bring ease and wellbeing. AND there is an understanding that how we are with ourselves has a direct effect on how we experience and interact with the world. The kinder you are with yourself, the kinder you are with others. 

What is Self-Compassion?

From Kristen Neff:

Kindness/warmth vs. Judgment: 

  • Judgement: I am the worst. I can’t believe I haven’t learned to do better by now. I don’t deserve to rest, just work harder and do better.

  • Kindness: I am doing my best. I am still learning. What would be helpful and kind to myself right now?

Common humanity vs. Isolation: 

  • Isolation: Everyone else has it together, but here I am still struggling. I don’t dare tell anyone what this is like for me.

  • Common Humanity: Everyone on earth has failed, has been overwhelmed, etc. I am not alone; I am connected to all humanity. Who can I share my story with?

Mindful perspective vs. Overidentification: 

  • Overidentification: Here I go again. I guess this is just how I am. It’s always going to be like this. I’m hyper-focused on this current situation.

  • Mindful Perspective: Yes, this difficult thing is part of me… but it is not ALL of me. I am much more than this. Life is long. I have skills in many different areas. In a month, a year, 5 years, I probably won’t even remember this.

Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

  • Begin to notice and question self-judgment.

  • Try on different “voices”: What would you say to a loved one? What would a loved one say to you? What would be a more balanced and kind assessment?

  • Self-Talk: Create and repeat phrases that work for you—authentic, believable, what your highest self would say.

  • Embody kindness: Hand on heart, Self-Havening, Guiding & Smoothing (see resources below)

Resources:

Kristen Neff: self-compassion.org

Dan Harris: The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself (video)

Andrea Wachter: Practices to Ease Anxiety (including Self-Havening)

Cain Carroll: Guiding & Smoothing

Week 3 Practice Invitations & Resources

Take in the Good

Dr. Rick Hanson offers wonderful practices that help us to turn toward all that nourishes us. To put it briefly, when something occurs that feel good, when you feel joyful, friendly, alive, excited, etc., stay with it, and let it soak into you. These practices feel wonderful in the moment AND they build resilience.

Extended Reflection

Consider devoting more time to your reflection on stressors and needs. In the notes below, see the reflection processes marked with ✏️ .

“Planful Problem-Solving” - Working with Stressors

Cultivating Balance: https://www.katiedutcher.com/balance

Resources

Self-Compassion Toolbox: from Katie, Guided Meditations & Reflection to Cultivate Self-Kindness

Listen to Brené Brown’s illuminating podcast episode with Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski on burnout and the stress cycle.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

Week 3 Notes

✏️ “Planful Problem-Solving” - Working with Stressors

Categorize: Look at your "data" - your notes about stressors. Which stressors are a fact of life? Which are optional or possible to change a bit?

Fact-of-Life Stressors (choose 1): 

  • What is the need “at risk” here? How might you meet this need regardless of this situation and its outcomes?

  • Are you choosing this? Why? What does it mean to you? How does it serve you and others?

  • How might you nourish yourself...Before? During? After?

  • Think through the wild cards and pain points: "If X happens, I will Y"

Optional Stressors:

  • Could you reduce the frequency? Shorten the duration?

  • What would make this easier or more enjoyable?

  • What would happen if you opted out altogether?

  • What are the steps involved in opting out? Or if you hesitate to opt out, what is stopping you? (This is good information!)

Notes on this process:

  • There is a theme here of AGENCY, taking responsibility for understanding your motivations, your hesitations, your choices, what means something to you. This in itself can be empowering: that you are living your life, it is not just happening to you.

  • Realizing that you care about something – even though it can be stressful, can make things feel different. As our perspective shifts, our experience shifts.

  • You can do this kind of investigation regularly – as morning reflection, getting ready for the day. 

  • Anticipate, practice, role-play with specific parts that bring stress, the "If X happens, I will Y.” (Meanwhile, your preventative practices are feeding you “underground” – making it possible to respond skillfully without planning it.)

Cultivating Balance & Resilience (“Vitamins”)

  • BALANCE: living as our WHOLE self, making space for our whole self in our lives— all our human needs.

    • Work self, social self, family, SELF-self! Physical, emotional, spiritual

    • When we are living as our whole selves, meeting our needs, we often feel less threatened by the smaller things, more capable of working through the big things

  • Cultivating balance is a continual process because life changes! What “balanced” looks like will change over time. We may need to give more attention to various parts of our life for a time, a season.

  • When we say we feel “Out of balance” it often means that we’ve been honoring certain needs heavily, and leaving some out… for what feels like too long. Most often, that is code for “I am meeting external expectations, and letting go of internal expectations and needs.” 

Signals of Burnout/Imbalance

  • Body (headaches, tension, pain), thoughts, emotions, behaviors (harmful coping mechanisms, checking out)

  • Mental/emotional energy is sapped, productivity down

  • Emotions of helpless/hopeless, irritability, resentment

Be aware of the general and your specific signals of imbalance: this is information that can be very useful for knowing how to respond. Noticing early (awareness) is key! So much easier earlier! (Listen to the whisper so there doesn’t need to be a scream.)

Cultivating balance is a continual process of leaning toward a lifestyle that builds well-being and resilience: 

  • Intentionally meeting needs: rest, community, meaning, authenticity

  • Moving at a human pace, with space for reflection.

  • Releasing stress energy/completing the cycle

  • Experiencing joy, noticing and embracing the good

✏️ Reflection on Balance & Meeting Needs

  • Look over the Needs Inventory: Sort into 3 columns: Pretty Good, Could address, Must address (just notice, no judgment). You don’t need to include every need on the list, you can just sort a few that stick out to you in each category.

  • Look at Pretty Good category: Smile to yourself as you intentionally take in the fact that these needs are being met.

  • Look at Must Address: Write down 1 or 2 small ways you might address it. (want, not should)

Optional Questions to consider...

  • “Bang for your buck” Are there some activities that meet multiple needs at once?

  • What is the #1 thing you wish you had time to do? What would a small/manageable/bite-sized version of this look like? Decide that there is time for it. Schedule it.

Notes on this process:

  • Key need: PHYSICAL WELLBEING: Read the signals from your body→ commit to listening, determining what’s needed, and following through

    • Food, Movement: fuel for your life

    • Rest: Choose real rest over fake rest (technology, TV)

    • Is it possible to rest/relax WITHIN what you are doing? HOW are you doing it? Can you slow down, go easy, and does that make a difference internally?

  • Key need: CONNECTION: Seek support and connection → Be choosy. Who is supportive? Who inspires you? Lifts you? With whom do you have a mutually supportive, positive connection?

  • Key need: MEANING: What lights you up? What matters to you? What doesn’t matter? How does the way you invest your time and energy align with this?

When you have very limited time:

  • Loosen expectations of what you can fit in (flexible, realistic, sustainable)… and yet don’t let your needs be the first thing to go.

  • Know what is essential. Say no to the non-essential. Boundaries (no to X = yes to Y)

  • Know what is most valuable to you for relaxation and energy. Work it into your schedule first, before other events crowd in: non-negotiable.

  • See this as part of your productivity (like gas in the car), a piece in the puzzle, not an extra.

  • This is for you, and that is good in itself. AND this is not just for you– it benefits everyone! They get to deal with a calmer and more intentional person. They get to be with a person who is less resentful and drained. They get to absorb and learn from your wise ways. 😊 You will support them in embracing balance and resilience.